mother's day 2007
...i once heard someone with cancer say, "Cancer doesn't deserve to be the most notable thing about my life."--anonymous. my heart is still so heavy missing my mother's presence, i am sad a lot. when my son is up late needing to talk about missing his "Nana"--i find myself angry. i am angry that even his good memories of her are mostly prefaced with "cancer". he is "glad", even when he is missing her, that she is not suffering anymore. i remember mom telling me stories when i was young about what her dad was like and how sad it made her that he never got the chance to be a grandpa. when mom was first diagnosed with cancer she said, "my life is complete, i raised you girls, you are my joy." those words will ring in my heart forever because i know that she wasn't afraid to die, she had no regrets--and yet i know that she loved being a Nana and it broke her heart to leave them for a time. i refuse to let cancer be the most notable thing about my mom's life. i choose to honor my mom by being the mother that she taught me to be to my own kids; kind, consistent, fun, supportive and loved by our Father. this past mother's day weekend was spent with my entire family at Coronado Island--my mother's favorite place on earth. we took my mother's ashes to the beach and as we left her body there, we rejoiced in her complete healing. as we sat on the beach sharing memories as a family i read a letter that i wrote, here is a small part of that letter and the part of mom that i do want to remember...
..."Each of us should treasure our special times with Mom/Nana in our
hearts---remember her beautiful smile and bright pink lipstick, her wisdom and
strength, her loyalty, her sense of humor and contagious laugh, her love for and
trust in God through her circumstances, her contentment on this earth, her deep
love for Dad/Pa and her family.
Dad—she loved you completely from the first moment she met you. Thank you for
giving her, “all of your love, all of her life,” for adoring her, for protecting
her dignity, for standing by her side when she needed you the most, for
providing for our family, for allowing us to grieve with you and take care of
you in this season of life. I know your heart is broken but I also know that Mom
would be so proud of your strength and keeping us together as a family. She is
saving you a seat on the bus this time!"...
"...we will hope in the resurrection of our King."
today would have been my mom's 58th birthday. i miss her voice, the smell of her perfume, her laughter, her advice--there is a void on this earth that no one can ever fill. today we baked one of her favorite foods, chocolate chip cookies, and will plant a rose bush to remember her beauty.
