Thursday, June 19, 2008

My blog has moved to.... HERE !! Now I just need to start writing again!!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

state of confusion my four year old asked excitedly, "mommy, does the Trick or Treat man have to hide my Easter eggs?"

pictures taken 10/2006

Thursday, September 20, 2007

love hate relationship

...i read somewhere that if one is disciplined enough to stick to their workout routine, that person would eventually learn to love mornings. i admit that i do love to exercise any chance i get. i have a morning workout routine and have stuck to it for over two years--i would say it is a permanent part of my lifestyle. i love the benefits of working out in the morning; more energy, increasing my metabolism all day, weight loss, keeping my heart healthy, stress relief, muscle gained, etc. i also love that my kids want to be physically active with me---we hike, bike, swim, play sports, walk, even do Pilate's~TOGETHER! all this to say, i still HATE mornings~but i have found a new LOVE...COFFEE!! (this secret wasn't in the article i read but it is a great way to trick your body into thinking that mornings are O.K.!)

Friday, July 27, 2007

survival mode
...five months ago today, i said goodbye to my mom for the last time on earth. she told me to grieve and be sad for a short time and then to go on and live my life to the fullest. something forever changed in me that day as i laid my head upon her still chest, the emotions erupted and the tears flooded my soul. the details and raw emotions of the few days leading up to her death are still so fresh and replay in my mind daily. "they" say that depression is "survival mode" and is necessary in order to heal a broken heart. i have never experienced anything like this and am having a difficult time fighting against my own body and spirit--i want to be happy but there are tears, i desire to live fully in the present but i feel trapped in a time capsule, i want to laugh and not waste another day, i long for the fun memories of my mom to play in my head, i need to love my husband and children but instead i crawl into my shell. i have been reading The Shack and crying through many entire chapters--i have never felt so loved by my Father who goes with me on this journey. i would recommend this book to anyone--whether you have been through a traumatic loss of a loved one or not. the emotions and real images of the Trinity that i have been able to experience through this beautifully written story have allowed me to see our pain in this world in a new way. Father began, just two months before my mom died, to develop a new friendship that he knew that i would need. her mother died from cancer when she was very young and she understands every word, every broken dream, every tear. i know that i will begin to live life again, although it will not ever be the same, but for now my loss is painfully real.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

"we can only imagine" high school i had a friend who would say that she always imagined Jesus in a white t-shirt and jeans with holes in them. i remember growing up wishing that i had never seen a picture or drawing of how others pictured Jesus. my children do not go to sunday school and therefore have rarely seen any photographs of Jesus. one day while at the theater, my three year old daughter pointed at the picture on the screen and announced to me without hesitation or question in her voice, "mommy, that is Jesus, there he is, he is fishing." i do wonder how her perception of Him might change with age but for the record i hope it never does. what do you imagine when you dream of meeting our Father---is he a child at play, a king in royal clothing, or maybe a humble man in torn jeans?

Friday, May 18, 2007

mother's day 2007
...i once heard someone with cancer say, "Cancer doesn't deserve to be the most notable thing about my life."--anonymous. my heart is still so heavy missing my mother's presence, i am sad a lot. when my son is up late needing to talk about missing his "Nana"--i find myself angry. i am angry that even his good memories of her are mostly prefaced with "cancer". he is "glad", even when he is missing her, that she is not suffering anymore. i remember mom telling me stories when i was young about what her dad was like and how sad it made her that he never got the chance to be a grandpa. when mom was first diagnosed with cancer she said, "my life is complete, i raised you girls, you are my joy." those words will ring in my heart forever because i know that she wasn't afraid to die, she had no regrets--and yet i know that she loved being a Nana and it broke her heart to leave them for a time. i refuse to let cancer be the most notable thing about my mom's life. i choose to honor my mom by being the mother that she taught me to be to my own kids; kind, consistent, fun, supportive and loved by our Father. this past mother's day weekend was spent with my entire family at Coronado Island--my mother's favorite place on earth. we took my mother's ashes to the beach and as we left her body there, we rejoiced in her complete healing. as we sat on the beach sharing memories as a family i read a letter that i wrote, here is a small part of that letter and the part of mom that i do want to remember...

..."Each of us should treasure our special times with Mom/Nana in our
hearts---remember her beautiful smile and bright pink lipstick, her wisdom and
strength, her loyalty, her sense of humor and contagious laugh, her love for and
trust in God through her circumstances, her contentment on this earth, her deep
love for Dad/Pa and her family.

Dad—she loved you completely from the first moment she met you. Thank you for
giving her, “all of your love, all of her life,” for adoring her, for protecting
her dignity, for standing by her side when she needed you the most, for
providing for our family, for allowing us to grieve with you and take care of
you in this season of life. I know your heart is broken but I also know that Mom
would be so proud of your strength and keeping us together as a family. She is
saving you a seat on the bus this time!"...

"...we will hope in the resurrection of our King."

today would have been my mom's 58th birthday. i miss her voice, the smell of her perfume, her laughter, her advice--there is a void on this earth that no one can ever fill. today we baked one of her favorite foods, chocolate chip cookies, and will plant a rose bush to remember her beauty.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

the day my heart was broken, the special lady i am proud to call mother, went to spend eternity with her Father in heaven. she was blessed to have her husband and three daughters by her side, holding her hand until the end. we spent the last 12 hours doing everything we could do to ease her pain, we talked, cried, reassured, and we begged our Father to take her into His arms and heal her. there were times when i was struggling to breathe and i will never forget the feeling of my heart breaking into a million pieces. but in the end, as only a true mother would do to spare us from the pain, she waited to take her last breath until we had all drifted off to sleep right there with her. i was honored to have cared for my mom during the last couple months of her fight with cancer as they moved in next door to us--and i would have gladly done it forever! my mom was the best Nana ever and took so much joy in each of her eight grandchildren. she gave me life and so much more--every time i feel sad that our time was too short, i will remember that she gave me more love, support, laughter and memories than most mothers do in a lifetime--a true legacy of love.

my family has endured a considerable amount of grief as we have attended 3 funerals in 5 months. my children, at young ages, have asked painful questions that demand answers and now have the reality of death etched in their memories. the grief experience has been unique to each of us; one wants to hear stories, we all feel a void, one searches for hope that Nana will come back to us, we are fearful and at times feel unsafe, another wishes to be held closely, all eyes are filled with tears at unexpected moments, one is angry and confused, some are anxious about the future. in the last year, my family has dealt with the reality of losing someone we love very suddenly and watching another loved one live every day in pain knowing that death was to come. amidst it all, my Father has been revealing to me what it means to really trust and to be His child in a new way. do trials make us stronger? i think it is bigger than that--it is easy to trust Father when my kids are healthy, when our business is profitable, when i am "happy" and so on. my mother taught me a lot but most importantly she showed me what it really means to trust in our Father and she expects me to pass on this legacy to my children as we all meet in heaven again someday.