...five months ago today, i said goodbye to my mom for the last time on earth. she told me to grieve and be sad for a short time and then to go on and live my life to the fullest. something forever changed in me that day as i laid my head upon her still chest, the emotions erupted and the tears flooded my soul. the details and raw emotions of the few days leading up to her death are still so fresh and replay in my mind daily. "they" say that depression is "survival mode" and is necessary in order to heal a broken heart. i have never experienced anything like this and am having a difficult time fighting against my own body and spirit--i want to be happy but there are tears, i desire to live fully in the present but i feel trapped in a time capsule, i want to laugh and not waste another day, i long for the fun memories of my mom to play in my head, i need to love my husband and children but instead i crawl into my shell. i have been reading The Shack and crying through many entire chapters--i have never felt so loved by my Father who goes with me on this journey. i would recommend this book to anyone--whether you have been through a traumatic loss of a loved one or not. the emotions and real images of the Trinity that i have been able to experience through this beautifully written story have allowed me to see our pain in this world in a new way. Father began, just two months before my mom died, to develop a new friendship that he knew that i would need. her mother died from cancer when she was very young and she understands every word, every broken dream, every tear. i know that i will begin to live life again, although it will not ever be the same, but for now my loss is painfully real.
posted by Tera @ 11:03 PM
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